Review: "Things (1989)"
I have seen this film multiple times on the "RIFFTrax" channel on Amazon. Enough times that I feel I can review it, or attempt to, anyway.
This is truly one of the most confusing movies I have ever seen, so I will do my absolute best to sum up the plot.
Cold Open - A man approaches a woman in a nightgown wearing a Devil mask in the basement, possibly doing laundry. He says to her, "I want you to have my baby." He says this over and over until the woman turns and reveals she already HAD his baby. She brings up a baby swaddled in a blanket. As the child is unwrapped, it becomes clear that this is a monster. It bites the man, and he begins to scream. It is then revealed that this was a nightmare the man was having. (This is only the beginning of the crazy, confusing plot.)
Doug then gets up from the couch and goes to his bedroom to check on his pregnant wife, Susan. The audience learns (at some point) that they have been trying to conceive for a while unsuccessfully, hence the nightmare. They have been going to Dr. Lucas in the hopes that he will help bring a child into their life. He does... kind of.
Don and Fred are good friends with Doug and head out to surprise him at his house to hang out. Since Doug has been so involved in trying to have a kid, they haven't seen him in quite a long time. Doug is nowhere to be found (though they never really looked for him), and they go to the kitchen to have a few cold beer and wait for Doug. In the freezer, they find a book written by Aleister Crowley and a tape recorder. Don looks through the book while Fred plays the tape. As it begins to play, only distorted voices can be heard speaking words that don't make a lot of sense. Doug runs in and yells at the pair for basically breaking into his house unannounced. He then immediately forgives them and sits down to drink.
While they are drinking and watching a (somehow worse) movie on TV, Susan, Doug's wife, goes into labor. Doug rushes to her side as she gives birth to something resembling a giant ant-monster-thing before dying in his arms. The creature then gets loose and eats the family(?) dog. Doug rushes out to tell Don and Fred about what has taken place just as the lights go out.
I want to mention again, I have watched this movie at least three or four times, and I still don't really understand what is going on at almost literally ANY point during its entire run-time. It is all done with the absolute worst ADR, almost no lighting, and acting that would make any middle school play look like King Lear at The Globe Theater. Yet... there is something here.
For a person who enjoys terrible movies for a myriad of reasons, it is always hard to describe why those movies are good to the "common" viewer. For the reasons listed above, this movie is panned by almost all reviewers who have laid eyes on it. However, the ones that enjoy it for its "cult" following find something in it to enjoy. Maybe it's the sheer audacity to call this a "film." Maybe it's just the fact that someone made this and got it in front of so many people that's admirable. I truly don't know. It all feels like it was made as a student film or something that would have been shown during a "Public Access" time slot at like 3AM.
I don't know if I can recommend this to anyone other than the bravest film viewer. It's hard on the eyes and ears and makes my brain hurt thinking about it. There's just something. Also, how did some random dude in the 80s manage to get adult film star Amber Lynn in his crappy movie?
YouTube doesn't even have an official trailer for it. Here is the RIFFTrax trailer.
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