Things That Will Keep You Alive In A Horror Movie
- Scott
- Jan 6, 2011
- 3 min read
Over my life I have watched a metric fuck-ton of horror movies, and from that I have learned quite a few things… things that may help you. Should you ever find yourself being a fictional character in a horror movie, listen up. These are in no particular order and come from no specific film, however some if not all of these could help you out… again, if you were, you know, in a movie… you get the point.
If you say nothing else can possibly go wrong/get worse… It just did. – Countless movies have seen this one come true. “Well I am bleeding, locked up in this house alone, and there is a guy with a machete trying to kill me… it can’t possibly get worse. BOOM house fire and a portal to hell!
If someone tells you, “Do this and you will die.” You should believe them. – There is probably a good reason to believe them. Sure there are things you can’t avoid doing, but the superfluous ones you can just do with out, I’m sure. *As an addendum to this one, if you are the one telling someone no to do something, you are probably already dead, you just don’t know/realize it yet.*
Even if he/she is your best friend, they ain’t worth dying for – Again, how many people have to die by their buddies hand in order for this to sink in? “But I’ve known them since preschool, they would never hurt me… even if they are a zombie.” *CHOMP* Which brings me to my next point…
Zombies – They are always to be expected. If shit is going bad, they are probably part of the equation. Somewhere.
Believe your kids – If junior comes in telling you that his doll is alive and trying to kill him, it is. If he says there is a portal to the other side in the television, throw out the Zenith.
Watch your corners – People that play a lot of first person shooters can appreciate this one as well. Horror movie people can benefit from a little more situational awareness. It’s dark, you’re in an abandoned office building, don’t go running around willy nilly expecting to just get away. You are being hunted, somehow.
If your friends are naked/humping it up/smokin’ out… RUN! – I have seen enough movies about camp counselors getting yoked in the woods by a psycho to know that NOTHING good can come of this type of activity. Sure you’re young, probably a bit horny, and more than willing to try new things but…
Hot girls are always Evil, or Dead, sometimes both. – Come on guys, seriously. You are on a boat in the middle of the ocean and literally out of nowhere a hot girl shows up and wants your junk. That doesn’t strike you as odd. Well now you put your dick where it didn’t need to be and lord knows what you contracted, so it’s probably for the best she threw you down an elevator shaft.
Don’t go to West Virginia… Ever –There isn’t a good reason to go to WV. There are way to many mining towns, abandoned houses, and far to many acres of woods and mountains for ANYONE to feel safe. Especially if you are a girl.
Your car won’t start anymore… and never will again. – Deal with it.
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